i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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