i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
