My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i think im in europe. pls send help
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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