someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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