3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
