I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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