I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
