took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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