haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
