I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
