She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
