I wannas sexs uuuuu
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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