It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
