woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
