I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
