I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
