There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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