the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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