i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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