I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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