if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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