everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
