how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
