this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize