I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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