gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
