Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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