Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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