My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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