is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
