Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
