I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
