make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
