Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
