he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Drake has all the answers
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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