Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
