My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
