oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
