If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
