Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
