A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
