i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
