I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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