They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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