I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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