Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
