Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
