thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Randomize
