she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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