So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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