hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
