WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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