if you like me you must not know who I am
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
