I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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