I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
