Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
