atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize