I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
