i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
