Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Drunk is not a location!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
