I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
