Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
