I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Fuck appropriateness.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
